Therapeutic Fostering & PACE: Skills for Trauma

Children and young people come into care carrying experiences that would shake any adult. Therapeutic fostering recognises that behaviour is often a story about survival, not “naughtiness.” The PACE approach—Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity, Empathy—gives carers a simple, humane way to respond that calms the nervous system, builds trust and strengthens attachment. This guide explains how therapeutic fostering works in practice, how to use PACE moment-to-moment, and what support you should expect around training, supervision, education and health.

What Therapeutic Fostering Means In Daily Life

Therapeutic fostering isn’t a specialist “bolt-on”—it’s a way of living with a child where safety, connection and regulation come first. The goal is stability and healing, not quick compliance.

Why Trauma-Informed Care Changes Outcomes

Trauma reshapes how the brain and body read the world. Noises seem louder, faces look riskier, and neutral cues trigger fight, flight or freeze. When carers respond with attuned, predictable care—rather than punishment—cortisol falls, trust grows and learning becomes possible. Over time, this co-regulation becomes self-regulation.

PACE: The Heart Of Therapeutic Parenting

PACE is a relational stance. It invites the child back into connection without shame. It can be used with toddlers through to teens, and it works alongside any behaviour plan or placement care plan.

Playfulness: Lowering Defences Through Warmth

Playfulness is not silliness; it is a light, inviting tone that says “you’re safe with me.” In practice it might be a soft smile, a gentle joke or a playful invitation: “Shall we race the socks into the laundry?” Playfulness lowers arousal, helps a child try again and makes connection enjoyable.

Acceptance: Separating The Child From The Behaviour

Acceptance means unconditional positive regard for the child’s inner life—while still holding boundaries. You might say, “I can see you’re furious and that makes sense,” even as you add, “and I’m going to keep everyone safe by moving the mugs away.” Acceptance reduces shame, which is a major blocker to change.

Curiosity: Wondering, Not Accusing

Curiosity replaces “Why did you do that?” with “I’m wondering if you felt left out when the game changed?” It’s non-threatening and open-ended. Curiosity helps children name feelings, connect events, and build a narrative that makes behaviour understandable—and therefore changeable.

Empathy: Feeling With, Not For

Empathy says, “That was really hard. I get why it felt too much.” It’s not rescuing or fixing; it’s co-feeling that regulates the child’s nervous system. When children feel felt, they can think again.

Translating PACE Into Real Moments

PACE is most powerful when it turns up in the small, repetitive moments each day. Here is what that looks like across the most common stress points in foster homes.

Mornings, Mealtimes And Bedtime Routines

Routines are the backbone of safety. Predictable sequences (“first breakfast, then teeth, then bus”) reduce uncertainty. Pair each step with a warm tone and micro-choices that offer control without chaos: “Blue bowl or green bowl?” For anxious eaters, use playfulness to de-threaten new foods, and acceptance when appetite vanishes: “Your tummy might be too knotted to eat right now; let’s pack something you can nibble later.”

Homework, Phones And Gaming

Expect school tasks and digital limits to trigger old fears of failure or exclusion. Begin with curiosity—“I’m wondering if that topic felt impossible the last time?”—then scaffold with tiny wins and co-regulation breaks. For devices, agree a clear, visual plan set when everyone is calm. When the plan is tested, return to acceptance and empathy: “It’s really tough to switch off. I’ll sit with you while the timer counts down.”

Meltdowns, Aggression Or Withdrawal

When behaviour spikes, safety first: reduce noise, lower lights, keep bodies apart, and speak softly. Name what you notice (“Your fists are tight; your face looks hot”), offer choices (“Outside air or squeeze the pillow?”), and keep language short and kind. After the storm, repair with curiosity: “I’m wondering if hearing ‘no’ brought up that old feeling of not getting a turn.”

Attachment, Regulation And The Science Behind PACE

Trauma often disrupts secure base experiences. The carer’s job is to become the safe harbour: consistent, warm, and firm. Co-regulation—breathing slowly together, using rhythm, movement, music—recruits the social engagement system and soothes hyper- or hypo-arousal. Over time, children borrow your calm and then generate their own.

Behaviour As Communication

A slammed door can say, “I don’t trust adults,” or “I feel unworthy.” PACE decodes the message and answers the need—proving that needs can be met without escalation. This reframing stops the exhausting cycle of punish/react/repeat.

Boundaries That Heal Rather Than Hurt

Therapeutic does not mean permissive. Firm, fair, consistently enforced boundaries reduce anxiety and teach accountability.

Creating Safety With Predictable Limits

Agree house rules in plain language. Practice them through role-play when everyone is calm. Consequences should be logical and short, paired with repair work: “The wall was drawn on, so we’ll wash it together and pick a better place for art.”

Positive Risk-Taking For Teens

Teens need autonomy. Therapeutic carers set clear curfews, agree check-ins, and help plan routes home. If a rule is broken, respond with empathy and natural consequences, then re-negotiate the plan so the teen learns safely rather than being locked out of trust.

Recording, Allegations And Safer Caring Through A Therapeutic Lens

Good records protect children and carers. They also turn daily life into data that professionals can use.

What To Record And How

Note the context (what happened before), the behaviour, your PACE-based response, and the outcome. Keep language factual and non-judgemental. Add the child’s voice whenever possible: “Ben said the noise felt like shouting at his old house.” This builds strong evidence for reviews, plans and—if needed—court.

Allegations And Self-Protection

Follow your safer caring policy: no closed-door 1:1s in risky contexts, appropriate touch, device use rules, planned babysitters, and visitor logs. PACE helps here too—calm, transparent practice reduces misunderstandings and keeps relationships repairable.

Working With Schools, Health And CAMHS

Healing grows when all adults use similar language and expectations.

Education: Virtual School, EHCPs And Pupil Premium Plus

Share your regulation strategies with school so transitions, detentions and exclusions are avoided where possible. For children with special educational needs, ensure the EHCP reflects regulation goals, sensory strategies and graduated responses. Use Pupil Premium Plus to fund evidence-based supports such as mentoring, ELSA or literacy interventions agreed at PEP meetings.

Health: GP, Dentist, Immunisations And Mental Health

Complete initial health assessments promptly. Build routines for appointments and medication so health care is predictable and non-threatening. For mental health, referrals can take time; while waiting, ask about community counselling, creative therapies or school-based support. Keep every professional updated with your PACE strategies so the child meets the same safe stance everywhere.

Culture, Identity And Belonging

Belonging heals. A therapeutic home honours a child’s culture, faith, language and family ties.

Everyday Cultural Competence

Cook familiar foods, celebrate key dates, learn basic phrases, and support community links. Use curiosity to ask respectful questions. Acceptance means the child doesn’t have to choose between their past and present—both can be held in your home.

Contact With Birth Family Using PACE

Contact can be joyful and stressful. Plan transport, snacks, and a regulation activity before and after. Prepare with curiosity (“What feels tricky about today?”), role-play greeting scripts, and agree a calm-down plan for the return. After contact, use empathy first, problem-solving second.

Recording Contact Well

Stick to observed facts, child’s words and your PACE responses. Avoid assumptions about motives. Good notes help courts and social workers make balanced decisions.

Digital Life, Gaming And Online Safety

Phones and gaming are social lifelines and potential stressors. Therapeutic carers co-create agreements that cover privacy, age-appropriate content, in-game purchases and sleep. When things go wrong, lead with empathy (“It’s horrible when a friend blocks you”) and curiosity before moving to teaching and limits.

Repairing After Online Incidents

If an unsafe share or bullying occurs, respond calmly, document, inform school where appropriate, and rehearse safer choices. Teach help-seeking as a strength, not a punishment trigger.

Building Your Therapeutic Toolkit

PACE works best alongside everyday tools that keep arousal tolerable and connection strong.

Regulation Menu For Your Home

Create a visible menu: music playlists, chewy snacks, weighted or textured items, breathing cards, colouring, Lego, ball games, fresh air plans. Involve the child in choosing and updating it so strategies feel personal, not imposed.

Language Swaps That De-Escalate

Replace “Calm down!” with “I’ll sit with you until your breathing slows.” Swap “Why did you do that?” for “I’m wondering what happened inside when that changed.” These small changes keep the relational bridge intact.

Training, Supervision And Looking After You

You cannot pour from an empty cup. Professional support turns good instincts into sustainable practice.

Training That Actually Helps

Ask your agency for training in attachment, trauma and loss, de-escalation, safer caring, cultural competence, neurodiversity (autism, ADHD, FASD), and therapeutic recording. Revisit core topics annually; practice skills through role-play, not just slides.

Supervision With A Purpose

Use supervision to reflect on triggers—yours and the child’s—review recordings, celebrate small wins, and plan next steps. When patterns emerge (e.g., Sunday night spikes), redesign routines together. Advocate early for respite if compassion fatigue appears; rest is protective, not failure.

Measuring Progress Without Missing The Point

Standard outcomes matter—attendance, exclusions, CAMHS use—but don’t miss the quieter gains that predict stability.

What Good Progress Looks Like

You’ll see shorter meltdowns, faster repairs after conflict, better sleep, more flexible thinking, improved friendships, and small acts of trust (“Can you hold my bag?”). Capture these in your logs; they are therapeutic gold at reviews.

Bringing It All Together

Therapeutic fostering is a long game. The child learns that adults can be safe, boundaries can be fair, and needs can be met without explosions or shutdowns. PACE provides the tone—warm, accepting, curious and empathic—while consistent routines, clear limits and good multi-agency work provide the structure. When you combine stance and structure, even entrenched survival behaviours begin to loosen.

A Final Word To Carers

You won’t do PACE perfectly, and you don’t need to. The repair matters more than the rupture: “I got that wrong—I’m sorry. Let’s try again.” Every repaired moment re-writes a child’s internal script: I can feel big feelings and stay connected. That’s the heart of therapeutic fostering, and it’s how trauma slowly gives way to trust.