Therapeutic Fostering and PACE: Skills for Children with Trauma

Children who come into care often carry invisible luggage—loss, fear, disrupted attachments, and experiences that have shaped how safe the world feels. Therapeutic fostering is about meeting those needs first: building safety, trust, and regulation so everyday life becomes possible again. A practical way many UK carers do this is the PACE approach—Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity, Empathy—originally developed by clinical psychologist Dr Dan Hughes and widely used across fostering, adoption and kinship care. Put simply, PACE is a way of being with children that helps them feel safe enough to learn, relate, and grow.

What “therapeutic fostering” really means

Therapeutic fostering isn’t a separate placement type as much as it is a mindset and skill set. It means you parent with an understanding of trauma and attachment, and you adapt the home, routines, and responses so the child’s nervous system can settle. That might look like predictable mealtimes, calmer transitions, shorter requests, more co-regulation—and a lot of patient repetition.

Why trauma-informed care matters in UK fostering

UK guidance recognises that children in care can present with attachment difficulties linked to early adversity, and it stresses skilled, trauma-informed support across health, education and social care. For carers, this means working alongside professionals who understand attachment, behaviour as communication, and the need for consistent therapeutic responses—not just consequences.

The core aim: safety, connection, regulation

Before we can expect homework, hobbies or friendship skills, a child needs to feel safe with you. Therapeutic fostering prioritises felt safety (your tone, body language, predictability), connection (shared activities, reliable presence) and regulation (helping the child’s body and brain calm down after stress).

PACE in practice: a quick tour

PACE is not a script or a set order. You blend its four elements depending on the moment, the child and the relationship. Think of it like a stance you adopt—especially when behaviour becomes challenging.

Playfulness: lowering the emotional temperature

What it is: A light, warm tone that invites closeness and reduces shame.
How it looks: A gentle smile, a small joke, a playful choice: “Shall we tiptoe to the table like ninjas or hop like kangaroos?”
Why it works: Play tells the child, “We’re okay; you’re safe with me.” In moments of tension, a playful voice can prevent escalation without belittling the child’s experience.

Acceptance: separating the child from the behaviour

What it is: You accept the feelings and inner experience—not all behaviours.
How it looks: “It makes sense you were furious when the game froze. I’m not okay with the controller being thrown, and I’m here to help.”
Why it works: Acceptance lowers defensiveness and shame, which are big drivers of meltdown and withdrawal.

Curiosity: wondering out loud, not interrogating

What it is: Calm, open questions that help a child make sense of their feelings and actions.
How it looks: “I’m wondering if maths club felt scary today because it was noisy and new?”
Why it works: Curiosity invites reflection and builds the child’s story without blame. It also gives you information to adjust routines or supports.

Empathy: naming and sharing the feeling

What it is: Standing alongside the child emotionally.
How it looks: “That was a tough goodbye at contact. Sitting on the stairs with your hoodie up seemed like your way to hide and protect yourself. I get it.”
Why it works: When a child feels understood, their body often de-activates from fight/flight, making problem-solving possible.

Using PACE together (not step-by-step)

PACE elements overlap—sometimes you accept and empathise first, then add a hint of playfulness to move on. Other times, you lead with curiosity to understand the trigger and finish with empathy. The point is the stance, not a formula.

Everyday PACE: from morning to bedtime

Daily life offers dozens of chances to practise PACE without turning every interaction into a therapy session.

Mornings: predictability beats perfection

Write a simple visual routine—wash, dress, breakfast, bag check—and keep your tone light. If a wobble appears, accept the feeling (“Mondays can be hard”) and wonder about a tiny adjustment (“Shall we pack the snack together so it feels easier?”).

After school: decompress before debrief

Many children “mask” all day and melt at home. Protect a 15–20 minute decompression window—snack, quiet time, favourite sensory activity—before you ask about lessons, homework or behaviour points. Curiosity lands better when the nervous system is calmer.

Evenings and sleep: create safety cues

Use the same bedtime sequence nightly. Empathise with fears (“Dark corners can feel huge; let’s check them together”) and add playful rituals—a silly “monster spray,” a secret hand squeeze—so separation doesn’t feel like abandonment.

Contact days and the “aftershock”

Family time can stir grief, loyalty conflicts, or anger. Plan ahead: simpler meals, fewer demands, and a grounding activity afterwards (walk, bath, drawing). If behaviour spikes, pair acceptance (“Big feelings after contact make sense”) with curiosity (“Was it the goodbye or something said?”) and empathy (“You shouldn’t have to carry all that alone”). Keep boundaries steady, but soften delivery.

Recording feelings without re-traumatising

Jot brief, factual notes: what happened, what seemed to trigger it, what you tried (PACE elements), what helped. This supports your supervision discussions and provides clear evidence for reviews without turning the child into a case file in their own home.

Working with school using a PACE lens

Education is a huge part of stability. In England, Virtual School Heads (VSHs) oversee the education of looked-after children and help coordinate support via the Personal Education Plan (PEP). Share PACE-informed strategies with teachers—calmer transitions, a safe base adult, movement breaks—and note what reduces incidents so it can be written into the PEP.

Practical classroom ideas that mirror home

• A soft-start at registration (job to do, safe spot to land).
• Visual timetable and “get ready” cues before task switches.
• “Name it to tame it” language: “Looks like you’re overloaded; let’s step out together.”
• A short regulation routine after contact days (hydration, quiet corner, breathing).

Sharing information safely

Keep school in the loop about patterns (e.g., Mondays after contact), but avoid sharing intimate trauma details that the child hasn’t consented to. Focus on what helps: “When adults stay calm, name the feeling, offer a simple choice, he re-engages faster.”

Boundaries and safety: PACE is warm, not permissive

PACE doesn’t mean “anything goes.” Children feel safest when limits are clear and fairly kept.

House rules in a PACE tone

State expectations beforehand (“Phones charge downstairs at 9pm”), link them to safety (“Sleep helps your brain feel strong”), and keep consequences proportionate and predictable. If a rule is broken, accept the feeling, empathise with the struggle, and calmly follow through.

Crisis planning and physical intervention

Ask your agency about approved de-escalation and, where necessary, physical intervention training. Know the recording and debrief requirements, and your local escalation routes (e.g., contacting out-of-hours). The UK National Minimum Standards emphasise safe care, appropriate training and clear recording—these processes protect children and carers alike.

When PACE is not enough

Sometimes behaviour signals a need for specialist help. Discuss referrals in supervision—CAMHS, educational psychology, speech and language therapy, or trauma-focused therapies. NICE guidance outlines assessment and support pathways for attachment difficulties; your role is to advocate and keep daily life steady while extra help is arranged. NICE

Advanced PACE: matching responses to needs

No two children need the same mix of PACE. Tune to the child you have, not the one in the textbook.

Developmental matching

For a teen with a history of neglect, playfulness might look like a shared meme, not peek-a-boo. For a seven-year-old with sensory needs, empathy might be sitting quietly side-by-side until they’re ready to talk.

Cultural humility and identity

Acceptance and curiosity invite you to learn the child’s culture, faith, food and festivals; empathy means respecting identity even when you don’t yet fully understand it. That builds trust faster than any lecture on “life skills.”

Scripts you can borrow (and make your own)

Acceptance + Empathy:
“It makes sense that you slammed the door; today was massive. I’m not okay with doors getting damaged, and I’m here to help you calm so we can sort it.”

Curiosity:
“I’m wondering if it felt unfair when plans changed and no one told you—does that sound right or have I missed it?”

Playfulness (micro-dose):
“We can march to the table like serious soldiers… or shuffle like penguins. Your call, General.”

Repair after rupture:
“My voice got sharp. That wasn’t helpful. You didn’t deserve that tone. I care about you; let’s try again.”

Building your PACE muscle as a carer

PACE is a skill you build with practice and good support. Agencies and local authorities increasingly offer training in trauma-informed care and PACE-style responses; sector bodies also publish tips and resources that you can revisit after difficult weeks. Use supervision to reflect on what worked, where you felt stuck, and which triggers catch you off guard—because your nervous system matters too.

Protecting your wellbeing

Caring for children with trauma is meaningful—and heavy. Book respite early, attend support groups (in person or online), and keep a short list on the fridge of what regulates you (a walk, music, quick call to another carer). Compassion fatigue sneaks up; prevention beats recovery.

Make PACE visible in the home

Post a small, friendly reminder on the noticeboard: “Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity, Empathy.” Invite the whole household to notice when someone uses it and celebrate tiny wins.

Measuring progress (and keeping perspective)

Look for subtle shifts: shorter meltdowns, quicker repairs after arguments, more eye contact, a willingness to try again at school, a new hobby. Progress is often two steps forward, one back; when you hit a rough patch, read over older notes to remind yourself how far you’ve all come.

Link progress to plans and reviews

Bring concrete examples to PEP and LAC reviews—“After we added a calm-down routine after contact, incident logs dropped from three per week to one”—and ask for the support that will help keep the gains (e.g., mentoring, extended transition time, or funded activities). This keeps the team aligned and the child’s plan realistic.

Final thoughts

Therapeutic fostering is not about perfect parenting; it’s about safe, consistent, reflective parenting. PACE gives you a compass for the hard moments and a language for the good ones. When you meet behaviour with warmth and firmness—“I see you, I’m with you, and we’ll keep you safe”—you help a child rewrite what adults mean. That’s the heart of healing.

Further reading & training to explore:

• DDP Network: “What is meant by PACE?” (foundation concepts and training routes).
• NHS/Local authority PACE resources (practical summaries for schools and carers).
• NICE NG26 on attachment difficulties (assessment and support pathways).
• DfE guidance on promoting education for looked-after children (Virtual School, PEPs).